And how to let go.

I’m a sucker for anticipatory grief, fear and anxiety in general. It falls under a trauma-induced belief system I conjured up way-back-when that theorizes that if I can only plan out every single worst case scenario in my life (and thus plan out how I will respond to said catastrophes), then everything will be fine because I always had control anyway. Psych.

Click here to play the soundtrack for this post whilst reading (if you’re dramatic and theatrical like me)

Anyway, I’m balls deep into my Saturn return (in eighth house BLEURGHHHH) and slowly watching in horror as all my worst fears, griefs and anxieties actually…happen. And as it turns out, worrying really is just suffering twice, I feel further from control than I ever possibly have, and I’m now spending hundreds of pounds on ‘natural herbal remedies’ (marketing scams) to manage my impending mental health crisis.

The dream house that we’ve been in the process of buying and slowly spiralling about for the last four months is about to have an entire chain collapse. Like, back to zero. The foster baby that we would have adopted is about to be placed in a trial stay with his bio parent despite all social workers ruling it to be unsafe, because they need more evidence for court. On top of that, my identity, financial income and soul journey all feel in complete chaos.

As a Saturnian sugar baby, I am doing what daddy said, and building intense habits and structure to my day to prove that I can be disciplined enough to free myself from these bastard lessons he is gifting me. But I know he needs me to prove that I can remain intact, authentic and motivated when my world implodes, and I’m not convinced that 10 minutes of yoga everyday is quite going to cut it.

I have worked with the planets for over a decade, so had been prepped for my return as much as I could be. And he gave me a pretty dreamy first six month initiation as a thank you. But now we’ve hit the parts I couldn’t leave behind. Control. My fear of loss. Insecurity. A cheeky unworthiness trope.

If you’re brave enough to hit ‘em headfirst, you’ll find that you can actually let go of all those things if you want to… but a part of you doesn’t want to. Which coincides nicely with Saturn whispering seductively into your ear ‘you have no choice bby, you can do it yourself, or I will do it for you’.

And he will. And somehow I have to get brave and courageous and touch God, because otherwise the next 18 months is going to be daddy dragging the screaming toddler within along the pavement, the rocks, the needles.

I must let go.

Saturn Return Survival Tips:

Here are the current suggestions I have for myself (and you too, if you’re in the same boat):

• Continue with habits until they become part of my personality. ‘I am order’.
• Respect authority even when I disagree with it, seek to understand first. The time for justice and rebellion is on the other side of this transit. ‘I am obedient’.
• Proactively support my mental health throughout the challenge, the way I would do a broken bone. (Yay bank account and expensive herbal calming remedies). ‘I am responsible for myself’.
• Take the time to deeply rediscover who I am outside of the false notion of control. Taste her. Try her out. Find parts you like. See if you can become her. I will not rush to find this version of myself (if that was working, I’d already be out the other side), but I will actively commit to learning all about the truer version of myself outside of faulty coping mechanisms. ‘I am embodied’.
• Live a life outside of validation. Learn to trust myself, to believe that my feelings are valid, that I don’t need praise to be good at my job, that I don’t need to check if my husband still loves me every five minutes because he would absolutely tell me if he didn’t. Learn to honour that who I am and how I am experiencing the world is absolutely my truth, but maybe not the truth. ‘I trust.’
• Deeply honour what it means to be a soul in a human body and connect so fucking firmly to this knowledge that it guides my everyday. I’ve become a little distant from this lately. I’m going to seek some good books, take some trips to stone circles and spiritual sites, and dive deep into spirit conversations during meditation to re-centre here. ‘I am bigger than this. I am smaller than this.’
• And just generally get better at not letting external events dictate my internal landscape. I’m still figuring out the how-to on that one, but I’ll get back to you. ‘I am more than what happens to me.’

I wish you all courage and strength on this mighty internal dragon-slaying quest. Imagine how cool we’ll all be on the other side of it (after destruction and demoralisation AD2028).

More on my Saturn return here (but lol that is only the beginning, I thought I’d seen the worst of it and then a car crashed into my house. Yes, really.). And to find out whether you are in your Saturn return and which house it is in, I’ll always recommend astro.com.