And my body feels like I’m going through a breakup.

Our house move has been in limbo for several weeks [edit – months lol] now after a major hiccup in our upwards chain, and my body doesn’t know what to do with it. There’s a constant murmur in the back of my mind, wherever I go, whatever I do. “Are our buyers going to pull out?” it whispers into the sealed echo chamber in my mind. “Is the chain going to collapse? What are you going to do? What’s even going on?”.

Every man and his dog is constantly asking me “Any news on the house?” and I want to scream in their face like a jealous 10-year-old at a birthday party “NOOOOOOOOO!!! SHUT UP I HATE YOU!!!!”.

I’m sick and tired of being reminded of the dream that might be. But might not. I’m being taunted by Daddy Saturn and his possy of Aries facing planets dancing around us in this cosmic Doctorate Degree.

I spoke to a digital Sage who told me that the reason I can’t shift this is because my brain doesn’t have closure. I was left in the lurch like a bride at the aisle, or a girl in her early twenties with a fuckboy who has ghosted her. (Cough cough, nothatneverhappenedtome, cough cough).

In an attempt to rawdog the lessons that Saturn is forcing on me, I promised myself that I would stop with the calls and emails to estate agents and solicitors. I would trust the process. I would focus on reading psychology non-fiction and I’d take up cross-stitch and I’d pursue a short-term career in spending-all-my-money-on-amazon instead. And yet the murmur remains. I cannot shun it or silence it or hide it. I have tried giving it ‘allocated time to talk it out with myself’. I have tried ‘sitting in silence and letting all my feelings simply be’. There is no shift, there is no difference, there is no easing up.

I have a theory – for spirituality is often my saviour in the darkness – that the spirit of the new house is waiting on me to do/become/be/realise something. And then it will let us come together in union. I’ve asked it in meditation, and she sends messages. ‘Find gratitude for where you are’, was the most recent. And gurl is she right? Like, who tf am I with my first-world-financially-stable-enough-to-buy-a-house privilege to sit and complain that it may or may not happen? I am literally so lucky to be where I am. And I did need that reminder.

But it hasn’t soothed the ache of longing for a mystery lover I met once, for 15 minutes, and have been stalking ever since. She gave us a vision of a life I couldn’t have even dreamed up in my wildest fantasies, and now she’s making us work for it.

Feels like a pyramid scheme to me.