Why the fuck am I afraid of you?

I just got a phone call from a senior work colleague. It’s been half an hour and my heart is still racing, my palms are still sweaty, and I’ve subconsciously popped my feet onto tiptoes, as if my body is bracing to run.

I have, of course, tried to figure out why this colleague always activates me, but that is why I have ended up here – the garden cabin in my mind – to try and hash it out.

I asked to put in some holiday. Due to the nature of my work, holiday is often refused, and I could go up to two years without any time off. (It’s a weird job, for another post). So, it wasn’t totally abnormal that she told me, in a blunt way, that my holiday request remains on the fence. It’s actually out of her control, and cognitively, I know this. But emotionally, I feel like a room full of blonde popular girls are pointing and laughing in my face.

In all fairness to me, this work colleague and I have had disagreements in the past that ended up with us having to find an uncomfortable-for-both-of-us middle ground compromise, so there is a little bit of tension between us anyway. But now, I listen for every tiny intonation in her voice that could indicate I am being too much.

There is something about shame that my body just cannot hack. It’s probably because any tiny mistake I made as a child ended up with me being pinned to the ground and beaten until I had no tears left to cry. So, fair enough, I guess.

But I’m not a child anymore. I’m an adult, with autonomy, and willpower, and wit. I can stand up for myself, and people get in a lot of trouble for beating each other to a pulp. (Well, actually…)

I wish I could pull myself together sometimes and stop letting shame steal my ability to live. I wish I could feel shame in a normal way. Not in a ‘omg I said way too much I should never have asked for something for ME now I’m probably going to be pinned to the floor by a 280 pound adult male’ kind of way.

I wish I wasn’t so threatened by people (probably) just doing their job. That I could just shake disagreements off rather than start digging a tunnel to the centre of the earth to hide in embarrassment. That I didn’t often have to spend hours winding myself down after one interaction. The rest of the day is now a write off, because of one phone call. And that’s so silly. Life is way too short for that shit. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER WOMAN.

I also need to spend less time on my phone it’s definitely not helping with absolutely anything whatsoever. Okay bye.